Chris D’Elia Apology Offers Rare Opportunity For an Important Conversation
Chris D’Elia, the comedian and podcaster who was accused of sexual misconduct back in June of 2020, has just reentered the spotlight to offer up an apology on his history of behavior. In what was a combination of a denial of guilt and a remorseful soliloquy, D’Elia took us through a rather sincere range of emotions and is now seemingly attempting to seek a path of redemption. Did D’Elia attempt to groom underage girls and was he engaging in wildly inappropriate behavior? Probably. Though, I because I inherently don’t know anything for a fact so I’ll shut up and let a court decide if he’s guilty of a crime. The truth is, we can debate the morality of these allegations all day long, but I think a better conversation would be to take a look at a different dynamic the accusations shine a light on.
I want to talk for a second about pursuit. Men pursuing women in the year of 2021 is the tightrope of acrobatic display. How does one walk the line, ever so cautiously, that he can appeal to both societal standards and sexual desires. One misstep to the left, one misstep to the right, and you’ll fall off completely. It is a balancing act that we overlook every single day, and to be fair, we don’t give credit to the ones who are able to navigate it so skillfully. So, what do I mean by this?
Let’s look at this through the lens of Chris D’Elia. In his apology D’Elia mentions “And I thought that in my mind, that being straight up with these women, was the right thing to do. I’d say hey come to my hotel room and let’s have sex.” It’s funny to type those words out on the page, and I’m sure it’s funny to read them in your head, but are they wrong? This LA Times article seemed to think so by repeatedly condemning his behavior of “quickly taking his relationships with fans to a sexual place”.
Though what if D’Elia had dragged it out. Tried to flirt with these girls to make it seem like he was interested in something more. You could already see the spin- Chris “D’Elia MANIPULATES women” by pretending that he was in love with them. So when D’Elia apologizes for his behavior there, I take a step back and question. Was it actually wrong? I’m not here to tell you one way or the other, but it’s by no means a clear and obvious answer.
You don’t have to be a celebrity to be walking this tightrope in your own life. We’ve spent the better half of the last decade rewriting the rules for sexual encounters and we still don’t have a good picture on best practices. In all of human history, there has never been a greater focus on consent and less of an idea on how to obtain it. We’ve gone from no means no to yes means yes, to can you sign this form please. One circle of women will tell you that explicit consent is fundamental to a sexual relationship while another will remind you that they’ll laugh if you stop to ask for consent while engaging in sexual activity.
We tell men- be confident but don’t be arrogant. Be aggressive but don’t be forceful. I’ve legitimately heard the line “I want to be manhandled but gently please.” We also tell men- listen to her emotions, stop making it all about sex, connect with her- and then we wind up with a bunch of feminized men who are ridiculed as simps and wonder why they can’t find a girl. It’s a tightrope.
We are concurrently preaching chivalry and egalitarianism. Hold the door open for women who don’t need doors opened for them. Women don’t need men to pay for the date anymore, but don’t expect a second if you’re not covering the first. We legitimately have not agreed upon the rules that govern our social and sexual interactions, yet we expect everyone to know what to do. And worse — we crucify the ones who mess up. Aziz Ansari left the public eye three years ago and arguably has not returned because of an awkward encounter on a date.
I guess what I’m getting at here, is that we need to talk about this more and bring this discussion to the forefront. We can’t keep cancelling men because they haven’t figured out the correct way to traverse the challenge that is the pursuit of a sexual partner, and we sure as hell can’t keep ignoring this problem until MeTooTwo happens. Relationships are tricky. Sex may be trickier. Though, its time we ask ourselves the hard questions and really begin to grapple with what is honest and acceptable sexual pursuit in the twenty first century.
